Monthly Archives: April 2016

MY EARTH DAY ADMONITION (SATIRE)

So I was abducted by aliens. I know, right? But it was the friendly Greys who did it, not the hostile Reptilians.

Because they’re telepathic, they communicate with humans via a rectally administered device that uses sensations of the excretory system to send detailed messages to the brain. After the procedure they released me and I received periodic incremental enlightenment from them. The messages would most frequently come to me when I was sitting on the toilet.

Anyway, they asked me to warn you all NOT to celebrate “Earth Day.” That is seen by their section of the universe as terrestrial jingoism, and the hostile Reptilians actually intercept and use Earth Day messages beamed out by SETI as a recruitment tool to grow an army for the invasion.

Anticipating that you all would dismiss such an admonition, the Greys told me they could loan me one of their rectal data transmitters. I guess they read my mind when I thought to myself that I wasn’t going to do anything that icky to save humanity. Earthlings would heed written warnings from their own species, or the chips would fall where they may.

The Greys warned me that the Reptilians also created devices for insertion into human sphincters. But those are not communication devices. Actually, the Greys described them as plasma fragmentation grenades. That will be your reward for the continued flaunting of your xenophobic “Earth Day.”

I guess warning us about invasion was the mission of the “Braxton County Monster” that touched down in Flatwoods, West Virginia in the 1960’s. He was on a diplomatic mission to Washington, DC, but his navigation computer mistook West Virginia for Virginia and botched the landing coordinates. He was using Milky Way map info that hadn’t been updated for over a hundred years. But he was trying to warn us about how we shouldn’t antagonize the Reptilians. He approached the young people thinking they’d be understanding but they screamed and called him a “monster” and he got scared and flew away. I’m told that corner of the universe is still offended over that incident.

So rather than declare another “Earth Day” maybe we should have “Universe Day” and show other planets that we are excited to be part of the greater galactic community.

Of course, the Reptilians will still exterminate you. But they’ll certainly remember you more fondly as they feast on your charred flesh.

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EXPLORING EXPRESSION (Part I)

In matters of citizenship and the political activity through which I express it, I don’t have many “hard lines.”

There are really three that material affect my citizenship work, all of which can be traced to amendments of the Constitution of the United States.

The first is the right to life. I’m stating the obvious when I say that all other rights depend on that one. If you don’t have a right to live that originates with the beginning of your existence and persists with you all the way to its end, you don’t truly have other rights. You may believe you do. Your environment may assure you that you do. But in truth, those perceived rights are at best, temporary, or at worst, illusory.

The second is the right to bear arms. At this time in my life, I am persuaded that this right is necessary for all the other rights to be guaranteed, and that was understood by those who placed it in the Constitution with such priority. Without this one, the remaining rights in the Constitution are subject to the whims of “evolving” people in government.

Today, it’s not really hard to find people charged with upholding the Constitution who openly dismiss its importance and proudly announce they will only enforce the parts they currently like.

The next is expression. This is a single term that embodies the various fundamental liberties enshrined in the First Amendment.

As a teen, I gained a very strong appreciation for expression. My favorite things were not always popular in my periphery. Those included comic books, heavy metal music, horror movies, and role-playing games.

It wasn’t just my area. Senator Al Gore and others spent some of their Cold War downtime holding hearings about rock music lyrics. A degree of my frustration was felt by teens across the nation. But for the ones like in small rural areas, the tolerance for distinct expression seemed most elusive.

Sometimes folks would say government officials like Gore should enforce Christian values by eliminating the troubling music in my cassette deck. I asked what they thought would happen if government officials like Gore one day stopped caring about Christianity or even turned actively against it.

Everyday I’m seeing someone new openly pine for censorship of those who disagree with them.

I ask these folks what they believe will happen to them when the paradigm shifts?

ANNOUNCING MAJOR CHANGES FOR APRIL 2016

On this first day of a new month, I am announcing some major changes in my 2016 presidential election approach.

First, I am officially declaring that I will vote for Kasich. Yes, that contradicts my previous statements where I indicated I was less than impressed with the Ohio governor as a good match to take on Hillary Clinton.

Indeed, when Kasich recently asked what he would tell his daughters if he ended up supporting Trump, my response was “tell them you voted for someone with a spine who can do what you can’t do.”

But that’s in the past, as the opacity of my own oblivion prevented me from truly grasping the inherent greatness of Kasich.

I had thought perhaps he wasn’t really running for president, but instead trying to get his own show on MSNBC. Now I realize that his tendency to run to leftist microphones and denounce the other Republican candidates only makes him that much more formidable.

I was afraid…fearing what would happen to him when the leftist media turns on Kasich and helps the Clinton campaign successfully define him as a racist, misogynist, xenophobic, homophobic, islamaphobic, phobiphobic extremist. But I now realize that the time he spent with leftist media showed them how infectious his charisma truly is, and they will surely not attack him the way they did Romney and McCain.

To that end, I recant my opposition to a contested convention. Indeed, only this outcome can prevent Trump’s nomination, and is the only available avenue for my party to install Kasich as the nominee and override the desires of voters who once thought as I did (if they aren’t similarly moved to support Kasich by epiphanies of their own).

Also, I’ve decided not to be so hard on Hillary Clinton. I expect her to run a very positive race against Kasich. In fact, their race will be model for the high road approach that will inspire all Americans and our posterity.

So I now expect that she and her media allies will NOT resort to calling Kasich a “fascist” or “Nazi.”

Accordingly, I have cancelled my plans to encourage folks to call her “Hitlery Clinton” and explore the comparisons between her potential administration and a Fourth Reich.

I will apologize to those who’ve threatened to blacklist me and conform my thoughts and speech to that which is acceptable to them.

Finally…APRIL FOOLS!!!